Character Profiles
Listed as new-per-book.
SPOILER ALERT – looking up characters out of book sequence might give away plots!
Sabine
- Shark
Detective Chief Inspector Aliisa Tuulikki Ykspetäjä.
Testimonials –
You’re skinny, scruffy, asocial, and a miserable recluse with as much fashion sense as a blind sloth… and you talk funny – Beefy.
Is she always that fucking scruffy? I hope she didn’t fucking visit the Mollers dressed like that! And how does she fasten her bra with one hand? – The Burgerman.
See! This is why nobody talks to you, you testy cow! You’re just so… fucking awkward! Why can’t you just accept help like everybody else? – Emily
Bio –
My name is not difficult to say. Ah-liisa Too-licky Ook-spet-aya. Utter the first syllable, “ooh”, add a hard “k”, emphasise the “spet”, let the “aya” die a lingering death.
I’m asocial, self-obsessed, morose, private, sarcastic, cold, anti-theist, emotionally deplete, scruffy, lazy, tenacious, glossophobic, aloof. That’s my good side. I’m also organized, focused, incisive, logical, methodical and weird.
Oh, I was born in Salo, Finland, to a caring biological mother and a serial criminal.
OK, so I’m not a classic Nordic beauty. I probably wouldn’t win a beauty contest if I was the only contestant. My beauty is inward, my outward features being simple, functional and undemanding – cascading coal-black hair cropped more-or-less horizontally across the small of my back, my straight fringe cut similarly over the brows in what is considered a Goth style. I’m not a Goth. Kohl and grey eyeshadow emphasise my eyes, my only cosmetic vices, except for a layer of cerise to accent my otherwise thin lips. The rest is as nature intended – an ironing-board chest fronting a svelte frame wrapped in deathly pale skin. It contrasts with my hair and all-black attire. No jewellery to distract from the vision of chromatic austerity. If I get stares, I believe it’s because I’m bewitching.
Thirty-two, 1.65 metres tall in my woollen socks. I wear cast-off clothes. Fashion is such a waste of precious resources.
A reclusive stone laithe erected in 1784, on White Moor, beneath Nab Hill, is where I live.
My motto is – Nunquam minus sola, quam cum sola – never less alone than when alone.
The family –
If my parent’s weren’t shouting each other down they’d be beating each other with fists and whatever else came to hand. I got beat. My sister got beat. My brother got beat. My Father was a drunkard and a bully. My non-mother eventually returned home. I was 12. I lost my little brother Onni four years later. A year after that I was helping out at a butcher’s to earn cash to pay for my friend’s drugs. I watched my hand disappear into the funnel of a sausage machine. The cash settlement paid for my police training at the Police College of Finland, at Tampere, returning to the UK to join Greater Bradford CID, as a Detective Chief Inspector, displacing Sandman as Beefy’s “go to” detective.
At 17, I left home and dossed around with my only friend, Tia Oddy. She was murdered by the drug dealer Edgar Unnuk, when I was 18.
My younger sister, by four 6 years, Oili Piia, and my younger brother, by six 8 years, Onni, were both born in Bradford to Eva, my non-mother. Onni died in car accident when I was 16. Oili and I don’t speak.
I was six when I last saw my real mother.
- The Burgerman
Detective Chief Superintendent Ronald Blackwater.
A self-aggrandising bastard – Beefy
Forty years of bullshit, brown-nosing and politicking. Never set foot on the beat. Never personally made an arrest. A reputation for having a nose for criminals but never caught so much as a cold – Beefy
- Beefy
Detective Superintendent Chris Braithwaite.
2.01m, hoar grey eyes, bulky, grey hair. A “colossus”. Size twelve shoes. Member of Bingley Golf Club. Wife, Dotty. Daughter, Anna Chloe, 14. Worked his way up from a constable in Bingley. His pride and joy is his large, piano-black desk. Sharp cut black suit, white shirt, black tie, super-shiny leather shoes, upright stance of a sergeant major, the picture of a no-nonsense traditionalist, a man’s man. Retirement not be far away, but his faculties still as pin sharp as his suit. Hired Shark four years ago.
- Twilight
Detective Sergeant Emily Husher.
29. 1.5m. Lives at Chellow Heights, Allerton. Married to Dave, an engineering workshop manager. No kids. A diminutive, well-endowed bundle of pink – ‘I’m not a piddling D cup!’ Pink-addicted girlie-girl, strawberry-blonde, candyfloss-like locks billowing around her head like a cumulus cloud. As bust-laden as they come. Not sharp. Allegedly, into bondage, S&M, pvc and leather fetishism. Drives a pastel blue Mini. Holidays in hot climes.
An overinflated bimbo. a cabbage patch doll. A mini-minion. Annoying, but useful office gofer.
Despite her one husband, cocker spaniel and two goldfish, she hasn’t aged beyond 18 years, belying her actual 29, due mainly to daily face reconstruction through cosmetics – Shark.
Somebody who allegedly likes to be dominated, whipped and fucked senseless while being dressed as Little Red Riding Hood – Shark.
Shark – ‘You know, you can be so sweet in seeing the good in people.’
Emily – ‘I’m everybody’s favourite angel.’
Shark – ‘Not everybody’s, Em.’
Shark – ‘Why should anyone not want you Em? You have everything any man wants, except legs.’
Emily – ‘Rather no legs than no personality.’
Shark – ‘Rather have a brain.’
‘Emily – ‘Men don’t want brains, they want boobs… and big ones, like these. I win!’
Shark – ‘You know, I often wonder how you made Sergeant. Did you collect tokens from the back of jam jars and send them off?’
Shark – ‘At Junior school, when you were asked: “What would you like to be when you’re grown up, Emily?”, did you answer: “Taller”.’
- Sadman
Detective Chief Inspector David Soloman.
From the Keighley Constabulary. Beefy’s top man until Shark came along. A teacher described him as “a hard worker but slow on the uptake”. Hostile towards women with authority. A sister and brother, Janet and Matthew. Apparently, a real bobby dazzler on the dance floor.
Two yards of dribbling tap water – Shark.
Pushy, pedantic, delusional. A dominating, bullying control freak; at odds with his upright, skinny frame, his straight, dirty-blond hair and his wingnut ears – Shark.
A male whom any intelligent female should avoid at all costs. What little brain power he has he uses to convince himself he’s God’s gift to women – Shark.
A twat with first class honours in Twattery – Shark.
- The Oracle
Detective Chief Inspector Stefan Marian Otto.
Into rugby. One of the sharper knives in the drawer with knowledge on just about everything, hence his nickname. Confident, a good organiser, respected, laid back, easy with people but lacks ambition.
- Bates
Detective Inspector Fritz Norman.
Young. Investigates Dave’s attack. Methodical, adequate, sociable acceptable. Of the gang but not quite one of them (admission pending).
- Cuddles
Detective Sergeant Ted Cudliffe.
From Keighley, Quaker, not married. Late twenties. Opinionated. Religious. Doesn’t take orders without a fight, should he consider them wrong. Famously rebelled against the ban on unhealthy snacks from the snack dispenser. The sides of his head are shaved short and the top squared to leave a projecting dyed blond quiff. A Bandholz beard to give him a “sophisticated woodsman” look.
- Speakup
Trainee Investigator Constable Jaisal Vaakpati Dey.
1.7m. 26. Dark brown eyes. Slight, sandy-haired, mid-twenties Asian-British male, Sporting
designer jeans, a designer casual jumper, patent shoes and a shabby-chic
tan leather jacket. Otherwise, a smart suit. Gets car sick. A degree in
Psychology. Shark’s partner in the “Silent John” case.
- Stitch
Detective Inspector Alan Taylor.
- Muttley
Detective Sergeant Earon Uttley. The office joker, garrulous. From Keighley
- Sissy
Detective Sergeant Donald Silson. Red hair and curly red beard, upright, confident.
Others
- Mike Stonewall
Outsource SOCO (Scene Of Crime Officer)
55. Garrulous, gallows humour, likes to prick at Shark’s asocial bubble. His assistant is Jackie. 28.
- minor characters
Headley Marham – drunkard, 33, went to same school as Shark. Cause of the infamous The Walls of Jericho incident.
Keeley – Painter & Decorator, Self-proclaimed artist, poet, accused of murder. Lives at Keighley.
Bob – Ridings TV reporter. Shark’s favourite reporter.
Victor – barman. Dutch heritage, wild blond hair, slight lisp. Caught Shark’s eye during visit to his parent’s pub.
Edgar Unnuk – murdered drug baron, Thorpe Edge/Ravenswood estates, Bradford.
Alan “Whacker” Bell – viscous rival drug baron, known for his kneecapping campaign, “maim-or-talk” and “maim-or-mute” policies.
Creepy Tom – cat burglar, repeating offender.
Silent John
- Guinevere
Detective Chief Superintendent Lance Arthur Preston. 51. 1.85m. London accent, despite him being parachuted in from Sheffield. Married to Anna, divorce pending, currently living in Sheffield. Three children – Christian, Phoebe and Olivia. Articulate, educated, polite, confident, but not a snappy decision maker. Likes to muse. Father is a Detective Chief Superintendent at Manchester Met.
Ruddy face. square jawed. pronounced facial bone structure, almost Neanderthal. Wild, coal-black hair. Brown eyes. Dimpled cheeks.
A man daring to wear a country jacket, an open-necked check shirt, flannel trousers, Argyle-pattern socks and brown brogues – every inch the depiction of a well-heeled gent with the delusion that it’ll be a jolly jape to be a sleuth. All that’s missing is a deerstalker, a monocle, a twelve-bore shotgun slung over his arm and a pointer ready to claim a brace of pheasants for it’s master. Rather young to have attained the rank of Chief Superintendent – Beefy.
Quite a hunk. A touch of the Mister Darcy-slash-Heathcliff about him – Shark.
‘I don’t do coffee. It gives me headaches’
- The Ex-box (Superdude)
Detective Superintendent Catherine Dudek. 38. Wide-rimmed, owl-like spectacles and shoulder-length, platinum blonde hair, thin lips, cornflower blue eyes. A 70’s hip-chick throwback. From Leeds. An over-educated, bespectacled Dalek . Image of a school teacher/librarian. Confident. A team leader. Decisive. A quote for any occasion. A master’s degree in philosophy, philosopher Karl Rahne, former kick-boxing champion. Into hockey, riding, hill-trekking, Henryk Górecki, Metallica, ABBA. Worked as a consultant at Blackpool, creating the DAP meetings. An uptight Brawn Hilda. Dudek the Dalek. Superdude.
- minor characters